Sophistry in Action

PHILOSOPHY

And suppose your pupil, by taking your advice, is promptly convicted of adultery and sentenced to be publicly reamed with a radish?

How, Sir, would you save him from that?

SOPHISTRY

Why, what’s the disgrace in being reamed with a radish?

PHILOSOPHY

Sir, I can conceive of nothing fouler than being buggered by a radish.

SOPHISTRY

And what would you have to say, my friend, if I defeat you on this point too?

PHILOSOPHY

What could I say? I would never speak again for shame.

SOPHISTRY

Very well then. What sort of men are our lawyers?

PHILOSOPHY

Why, they’re all Buggers.

SOPHISTRY

Right! What are our tragic poets then?

PHILOSOPHY

Why, they’re Buggers too.

SOPHISTRY

Right! And what of our politicians, Sir?

PHILOSOPHY

Why, Buggers to a man.

SOPHISTRY

Right! You see how stupidly you spoke? And now look at the audience. What about them?

PHILOSOPHY

I’m looking hard.

SOPHISTRY

And what do you see?

PHILOSOPHY

By heaven, I see an enormous crowd of people, and almost all of them Buggers.

Pointing to individuals in the audience

See there? That man’s a Bugger. And that long-haired fop’s a Bugger too.

SOPHISTRY

Then, how do we stand, my friend?

PHILOSOPHY

I’ve been beaten by Buggers.

Flinging his cloak to the audience

O Buggers, catch my cloak and welcome me among the Buggers!